VILLAINS - Don't be a lazy fuck

Villains! You either love them or hate them. Their entire foundation is to evoke some kind of emotion from the audience. Whether it’s horror, hatred or shock, if a villain can pull a reaction, they are a success.

But in a world of Moriaritys and Megatrons, there are creatures created with less deft hands that leave their intended audience scratching their heads in bafflement. If they do create an emotional response, it’s typically of disdain, if not outright mocking amusement.

“Bad” villains! No one really likes them, and if they don’t leave an impression, the story/roleplay session is absolute shite. Nothing ruins a story like a fucktarded antagonist.

But what are the earmarks of a crappy villain? How can we know when we’re confronted by a horrible villain character?

Luckily for you, dear reader, I have a pool of people to ask for ideas and personal encounters with shitty villains. I picked their brains, and they presented me with a bevy of applicable traits. With zeal, I present them to you now.

• Overt stereotypes – We don’t need them. No one needs them. If you have to rely on some cliché, maybe you shouldn’t be making a villain.
• Overuse of tropes – Having a trope or two to “elevator pitch” your character is all right, but if you have an annotated list of tropes that describe your character, what the fuck. Just stop.
• Ridiculous half-breeds – This is a given for any character, at its heart. Quit splicing everything together into some anatomically-incorrect fuckbasket. Half-demon, half-vampire, half-dragon, half-rakshasa, you cannot merge them all. You’d get a misshapen, gelatinous mess.
• Lore-fuckers – If you cannot find a feasible reason for your villain to go against long-established canon, don’t do it. I know villains tend to be antithesis to their creed or race, but that’s no excuse to completely mess with lore in order to produce your cuntweasel of a villain.
• SUPER LONG MONOLOGUES – It’s classic villain taste to occasionally go the way of the exposition. But if you War and Peace that shit, yeah, get out.
• Lack of evil deeds – Not much of a villain if you don’t accomplish anything, are you?
• Too much socializing/The Barfly – Telling heroes how much you’re going to vex them while swilling a Cosmo does not a villain make.
• Cheesy catch phrases – Unless you’re The Monarch, you need to fuck off with this.
• Super florid speech – You are not Iago. GTFO.
• “Talk big, walk small”/Bad Ass But Not – You threaten, and talk, and yammer, and spout, but when it comes right down to it, you’re the Little Debbie of the villain world. As I’ve said before, if you have to tell everyone how hardcore you are, you’re really not. And if you can’t back up your villainous oration, you can get back to the queue for the Tea Cup Ride.
• No background – WHY WOULD YOU EVEN GO ANYWHERE WITH NO BACKGROUND?!
• Lack of common sense – It’s not all that common, sadly.
• A dumb name – Snidely Whiplash works because he’s Snidely Whiplash. You are not Snidely Whiplash. Don’t even try.
• Overpowered/never lose or accept defeat – There’s no point in playing something if you expect to win all the time. This actually goes for all players, hero and villain (and anti-hero and vigilantes, etc.) alike. There are times you will not win. Invoking the Sue to metagame or godmode is righteously screwed up.
• No motive – See what I said about “No background” above.
• Telling everyone you see what your motive is – Why would you broadcast your heinous evil? You may as well just handcuff yourself or fling yourself into the Fires of Mordor.
• Labeling yourself as a villain – Why? Why? You just –  I mean – what’s the point?
• Has a “weakness” for love – What you can’t see is the expression I’m making. A real villain does not go calf-eyed over the twat he’s trying to kill. Maybe he’ll think of fucking her, but love? Ugh. Go sparkle somewhere.
• Moustache-twirling – That only worked in the old school Hanna-Barbera cartoons. You’re not a cartoon. Don’t do it. Caveat – if you’re an Old West card shark or debauched land owner, this may be acceptable. Other than that, not kosher.
• Situational “white knighting” – YOU’RE A GODDAMN VILLAIN. I DON’T CARE HOW NICE HER TITS ARE, YOU LEAVE HER TO DIE TO THE LIONS/FIRE/UNDEAD.
• Crappy accents – Just No.
• Unwilling to work on an Out of Character level with players – The cooperation between players makes for the best stories and plots. If you can’t talk to the people you’re attempting to terrorize, you may as well go wank off to your own shitty fanfic.
• Forcing actions onto players – So you’re playing a sadistic rapist. All right, but that does not give you the right to make the other player roleplay out an actual attack if they do not consent. Something that offensive and victimizing does not need to be done if the player is not comfortable with it. Having some empathy goes a long way.
• EVEN MOAR POWERFULLER FORM! – Okay, so you lost to the heroes. That does not give you the permission to whip out another, stronger version to resume the terror. That’s akin to a child’s “Nuh uh! I can control X, Y or Z, you don’t win!” Gracious losers get better reputations, which leads to more interactions.
• No weaknesses – Go choke on a dick, Mary Sue. No one wants you around.
• No audience approval – If people don’t like your villain, they’re not going to want anything to do with you. If you have done nothing but all the shit I’ve mentioned, people are not going to form a bond with your villain. They are going to make fun of it and throw rude gestures. Your interactions depend on your character, and characters that produce good emotional reactions in other players are the ones people want to continue being around.

Villains are not easy to make. They’re even worse to try and wriggle into plots. There are fine lines that should NEVER be crossed, and you should always be conscientious of them. Take a look at what makes a villain successful in media, and you will get ideas as to how to play your villain to success.

Professor Moriarity, Megatron and Magneto are excellent villains because of the traits they espouse. They are calculating, secretive, charismatic, cut-throat and have managed to carve out their own niches. Their reigns of villainy are long and marked with extraordinary schemes that catch their opponents flat-footed.

The Dursleys, Dolores Umbridge, The Joker and Loki are awesome at pulling emotions from their audiences. The best part about them, and the other aforementioned, is that each of these villains believes that what they are doing is right. They don’t see the wrong in their actions; they are acceptable responses to various stimuli. We as observers know their actions are wrong, but in their hearts, they are the protagonists. They are doing what needs to be done.

Characters like Dr. Horrible and Ozymandias straddle the rift between protagonists and antagonists (which is another ball of wax entirely). Dr. Horrible longs to be a villain (and join Bad Horse!) because he sees the wrong in the world. He knows it needs to be fixed, but it cannot be done glad-handing and following oppressive laws. Ozymandias, too, sees what is going wrong, and through his great intellect, understands that prolonged warfare between the countries of the U.S. and Russia would result in many deaths and greater tragedies. They took the hard option. They did what needed to be done, regardless the outcome, or blow to their reputation.

Those are good villains. Those are the men, women and things that serve as the drives for wonderful stories. There’s no joy or excitement in the hero being handed everything on a silver platter. They should have to work for it, against a capable and believable aggressor force. And it is your responsibility, as a villain player, to create that challenge and meet your opponent on a field not strewn with misapplied tropes and horrible accents.

I am 90.6% sure that other players enjoy having to work for their victories, and appreciate a well-presented villain. That last bit takes into account crazies who write crap concepts and run around with Mary Sues. It’s an awful percentile, I know, so don’t be a part of the 9.4%! WRITE A DECENT CHARACTER.